AniInterview
Sorry, this movie sucks
Maidexpl
Entertaining from beginning to end, it maintains the spirit of the franchise while establishing it's own seal with a fun cast
Keeley Coleman
The thing I enjoyed most about the film is the fact that it doesn't shy away from being a super-sized-cliche;
Asad Almond
A clunky actioner with a handful of cool moments.
Coventry
If you were, like me, expecting to see another numb-nuts 80's slasher, you'll soon find out that you're mistaken (I should start reading the back of the VHS-covers!). Before the credits even start to role, you're already treated to an utterly gore butchering sequence and a demented prologue. The screenwriter (probably a flipping drug-addict) thought up a story about two siblings that were cursed 12.000 years ago. In order to keep their youthful appearance and to save their souls, they have to feed on human flesh. If that isn't enough, the male half of the two has to find a girlfriend, get her pregnant and sacrifice the virgin daughter to the Zodiacs…or something. Granted, the plot is pretty retarded but it's stuffed with cheesy gore and the script is unintentionally hilarious. There's no tension whatsoever and you're about to forget the whole thing as soon as you finished watching it. If you're a sucker for painfully bad 80's flicks, this is a must.
Theo Robertson
... If all you look for in a motion picture is people getting their stomachs ripped open and their hearts eaten ! Hey you don't honestly think I was gonna give DON'T GO NEAR THE PARK a good write up do you ? How on earth can anyone enjoy a movie which comes in a video box with a blood drenched man guzzling a human heart on its cover ? And before you ask It wasn't me who chose this from the video store many years ago The story ( for want of a better word ) starts with a supernatural being who looks like David Copperfield feasting upon human hearts centuries ago . Cut to the present day he seduces a young blonde who then gives birth to a daughter called Bondi . Not only is he a terrible gourmet but he seems to have an obessesion with Australian beaches . Bondi leaves home due to her mother's jealousy due to her father's love : " Gold . You never f***in' gave me gold " which seems to give the movie an angle of teenage angst . Of course this is obviously coincidental because it's safe to say that no one working on this production will have ever heard of a sophisticated word like angst , I mean a script that has lines like " If you want to be my brother stop feeling me up . Brothers don't feel up sisters " is not very sophisticatedStrange that all the reviewers on this page have never gone into detail about the plot of DON'T GO NEAR THE PARK and from memory I'm having a lot of problems trying to remember what the plot was . I could tell you what happens but I don't want to spoil your enjoyment* and just like in an overblown James Bond movie lots of things may happen in the narrative but that doesn't necessarly mean the film has a plot , more of a rambling set of scenes with someone getting killed every few minutes * That's a joke by the way . There's nothing to enjoy about this crap
EyeAskance
Our discomposed little comic-book horror tale begins in a cave thousands of years ago, as an old hag curses her evil son and daughter. Flash to modern times(okay, the late 70s...whatever), and the ancient siblings prowl the land looking for children to slaughter as a sinister means of self-preservation. Performances are true-to-type crap, adding deepened injury to the already suffering DON'T GO NEAR THE PARK, a sloppy bottom feeder of a film which does manage to chalk-up a few lively moments(some pretty nasty gore, specifically), as well as a laughably overenthusiastic non-ending which leaves this lemon wide-open for a sequel you'd better believe you'll never live to see.A failure, certainly, but a failure that a few may find endearing in a disowned hungry kitten sort of way. Female lead Tammy Taylor appeared in the amazing MALIBU HIGH the same year, and co-star Meeno Peluce later starred on TV's VOYAGERS with the ill-fated Jon-Erik Hexum.4/10
sean7
The language that I need to use to describe this film is unprintable. All I can say is DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM under any circumstances. If someone threatens to kill you if you don't watch this film, choose death(and keep some dignity). I've never died, but it can't be worse than watching this. I personally, am scarred for life.
