Paul Magne Haakonsen
The first thing that comes to mind is 'who comes up with these ideas?' That being said then I must admit that I am a sucker for these creature features despite the chances being well in the high area of the movie being questionable at best.I will say that "5-Headed Shark Attack" was not a particularly thrilling movie, it was as predictable as they come, and it seemed that not even the actors were fully believing in the movie script.The shark and the CGI was actually good enough, although the design of the shark was so ludicrous that it was actually hillarious to witness on the screen.There are far better shark movies available and putting 5 heads on one shark doesn't make it five times as intense, it almost works in quite the opposite.If you are a fan of the creature feature movies then you might find something enjoyable in a movie such as this, but if you are expecting something in the likes of "Jaws", then your money is better spent elsewhere.
TheLittleSongbird
Have made no secret in the past of intensely disliking, and even outright hating a lot, a vast majority of The Asylum's and SyFy's (near-universally maligned for good reason) output, though there is curiosity as to whether they are capable of making something good and compulsive about their output's badness. Admittedly, both The Asylum and SyFy do have a small group of watchable films and the occasional (big emphasis on that word) above average one, unfortunately outweighed by the lacklustre at best and often dreadful films they churn out.Before anybody gets defensive, am well aware that films like '5 Headed Shark Attack' are not ones to be taken seriously. Have seen my fair share of low-budget shark films, and any other kind of low-budget creature film, and will admit to finding some guilty fun in some of them (i.e. the first two 'Sharknado' films). There are far worse shark films than '5 Headed Shark Attack' and it is actually the least bad of the '...Headed Shark Attack' films. Sadly '5 Headed Shark Attack' is just too amateurish to accept as a guilty pleasure, where nearly everything is just poor quality that it's insulting and there is nowhere near enough fun, intentional or unintentional, moments. Was not expecting anything intelligent here, am well versed now to know that it is not that kind of film, but it does feel like it was made by somebody who didn't know how to give a film brains, so much so that it'll make the viewer feel dumb and that is not a nice sensation to feel watching a film. '5 Headed Shark Attack' does have one redeeming quality, which the other '...Headed Shark Attack' films didn't. The opening scene was actually pretty entertaining, something that put the viewer in the mood for some very dumb but guilty pleasure fun. Unfortunately, it rapidly fell downhill, where ridiculousness and cheapness amongst other things were taken to extremes. Visually, '5 Headed Shark Attack' is absolutely no improvement on the previous '...Headed Shark Attack' films and is yet another low-budget shark attack film that looks cheap and like it was made with no budget, heart or enthusiasm. Any nice scenery that the movie has is difficult to appreciate when the movie is shot in such a drab way and when it's edited so amateurishly that bacon-slicer-like editing looks more refined. Worst of all in this regard are the effects, as it was made on low-budget it would have been forgiven a little if it was not great, but when the effects for the shark look as if no effort was given in making them without looking so goofy and unfinished-looking that is hard to ignore.The opening scene apart, so the shark's lack of presence or personality, it's not menacing, it's not scary and it's not fun, it's not even strong enough to bring any unintentional humour or goofiness, that's how bland it is. The music is very generic and adds very little, it's not always appropriate either and quite a lot of it is actually pretty annoying.Writing ranges between incredibly bad to appalling. Any comedy is incredibly forced and is so cheesy it is enough to make the eyes roll in disbelief, while the more serious moments are very awkwardly written and as trite as anybody can possibly go. Regarding the shark attacks, some are rushed, others are badly drawn out. They lack any kind of suspense and the over-silliness to the point of intelligence-insulting stupidity, terrible shark effects, bad editing and even more gratuitous gore further cheapen them. To describe the story as weak is being too insulting to the word weak, it is a very lethargically paced and thin as ice story with lots of padding that is either badly written or serves no point at all to the movie, other than attempts at novelty value, which falls flat on its face because it all feels so tired. It is not fun, it is not scary and it is not thrilling or suspenseful, it's just nothing but tired stupidity.As for the characters, that they're tired cliches isn't so much a problem, the problem is that they are either obnoxious with them constantly doing stupid things, so bland that it makes zombies seem more animated or both. Some of them are superfluous to the story or come and go out of nowhere constantly. The direction is as flat as a pancake, and the acting is amateur hour awful. The may not unforgivably waste dependable actors (because there aren't really any, well based on the acting in this film), like '3 Headed Shark Attack' did with Danny Trejo, but that doesn't stop the painful mix of blandness and histrionics. In summary, apart from one entertaining scene this was very poor. 2/10 Bethany Cox
stevepat99
We start with a cover graphic that can not count to five. It shows five fierce shark heads where, in this film there are only for on the front of the fish. I say 'suicide by shark' for good reason. Of course the shark heads must be 'fed' by unlucky actors but how about just a tad of creativity! We know it is suicide by shark to stand at the very tip of the boat, leaning toward the water, look for the shark while at the same time you might as well wear an 'eat me' sign. Or tip toe along the edge of a small craft, hardly able to keep your balance so that falling into the water is certain. The project head, Thaddeus, wants to catch the shark. He takes his mostly eye-candy crew and, so far as I could tell, not a shred of equipment he would need to capture the shark if it swam to the boat and said 'take me.' Red was the shark hunter type character from Jaws. Sadly he was given the silliest lines in the film. Does anyone see the shark, know where it is? And, my favorite, he's still alive... bullets won't kill him..... this after he handed out guns and has his crew shooting. Why, if bullets are useless? Worst is the use of hand guns to kill any large monster. Red gives a girl a hand gun while others get rifles. The two cope on the police boat can have any weapon they wish. What do they choose against the beast....yup...little bitty pistols. There is nothing sillier then using and shooting little pistols at any large, thick skinned beast. Red was, of course right, bullets can not kill the beast. Boats are under attack for ten minutes before the cop calls for help. Someone said there were five writers. If true then they needed 8 or 10 to easily fix the above, unnecessary fails. On the plus side there were fun moments, especially the opening shark attack where all four 'major' heads decide its meal time!
