James Hitchcock
The year 1872 was a famous one in literary history. It was, for example, the year when Thomas Hardy wrote "Under the Greenwood Tree" and George Eliot "Middlemarch". For our purposes, however, is importance lies in the fact that this was the year when the Irish writer Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu, in his story "Carmilla", invented the lesbian vampire. And what would the British horror film industry do without lesbian vampires? Admittedly, Victorian standards of propriety meant that in Le Fanu's original story the lesbianism had to be implied rather than explicit, but the various twentieth-century adaptations of the story, especially Hammer's "The Vampire Lovers" were much less restrained on this point."Lesbian Vampire Killers" is essentially "Carmilla" adapted for the New Lad generation. The heroes, Fletch and Jimmy, played by comedians James Corden and Matthew Horne, are a pair of unlikely lads from London who spend most of their time obsessing about beer, football and girls. And in Jimmy's case about his on/off relationship with his sluttish girlfriend Judy. It's generally "off" when Judy wants to dump Jimmy for another man, then "on" again when she discovers the other man isn't interested. Fletch and Jimmy decide to go away on holiday together, but lacking the cash for a foreign vacation decide to go hiking in England, and settle upon the Norfolk village of Cragwich.This is not the best choice they could have made. An ancient curse, cast in the Middle Ages by the vampire queen Carmilla, means that, upon reaching her eighteenth birthday, every girl in Cragwich turns into a lesbian vampire. This phenomenon which seems to have gone quite unnoticed by the outside world, except in Germany; Fletch and Jimmy meet four attractive German students who have come to Cragwich to study its ancient legend. They also learn, from the local vicar, of an ancient prophecy which states that Carmilla will rise again from the dead and that she can only be slain by the last descendant of the Clan McLaren, which just happens to be Jimmy. (It was a McLaren who was responsible for slaying Carmilla in her previous incarnation; the Clan McLaren were, of course, originally from the Scottish Highlands, not from Norfolk, but this is not a film which places a high premium on factual accuracy). Le Fanu probably intended the name "Carmilla" to be pronounced with a long vowel in the first syllable, but here the pronunciation is generally closer to "Camilla". Perhaps this was a comment on the less-than-popular wife of our current heir to the throne. While watching the film it struck me that the phrase "lesbian vampire killers" is triply ambiguous in that it can be interpreted in three different ways, namely (1) lesbians who kill vampires, (2) lesbian vampires who kill and (3) people who kill lesbian vampires. The producers, however, presumably intended it to be taken in the third of these senses as the initially reluctant Jimmy and Fletch take to killing as many vampires as they can, aided by Lotte (one of the tourists) and the Vicar (played by former Doctor Who Paul McGann), before Britain and the whole world are overrun by a plague of lesbian vampires. On the other hand, the title may also cover the second of the three above meanings, as the vampires themselves can certainly be pretty lethal. The film was not popular with the critics, and it doesn't seem too popular with some reviewers on this board either. Reading some of the one-star reviews, generally written from a position of jaw-dropping political correctness, was like wading through a "Guardian" women's-page editorial from the 1970s. Of course, the idea of lesbians as blood- sucking vampires would be horribly bigoted and misogynistic if it were to be taken seriously, but the one thing you cannot do with a film like this is to take anything about it seriously. The whole thing is a spoof from start to finish, a sort of cinematic equivalent of "Viz" magazine. (McGann's foul-mouthed Vicar particularly put me in mind of a "Viz" character). I would have described it as a parody of those old Hammer films from the sixties and seventies, of which "The Vampire Lovers" is a prime example, were it not for the fact that many of those films contain a strong element of self-parody. Certainly, it is not for everyone; those inclined to take life too seriously will loathe it, and anyone averse to bawdy humour or bad language would be well-advised to give it a wide berth. It is no "Citizen Kane", but most other people will find it amusing piece of entertainment, especially if watched late at night. 5/10
SnoopyStyle
Baron Wolfgang MacLaren vanquished the vampire queen Carmilla. However before killing the evil vampire, she curses every female MacLaren descendants into turning lesbian vampires on their 18th birthday. Jimmy (Mathew Horne) is a modern loser, after getting dumped by girlfriend bitchy Judy (Lucy Gaskell), goes on vacation with his loser best friend Fletch (James Corden). They have no money and they randomly choose Cragwich for a camping trip. They are given the same lodgings as 4 hot girls Lotte (MyAnna Buring), Heide (Tiffany Mulheron), Anke (Louise Dylan) and Trudi (Ashley Mulheron). The girls' van break down on the way and the boys catches up just in time. Meanwhile Judy is following Jimmy to the house in the middle of the woods which is haunted by the local legend.This movie is a B-movie and it revels in it. It has fun with it or at least as much stupidity as they could bear. The two guys don't have much star power but at least they have the same patheticness as their characters. The hot girls are hot. The story don't necessarily make sense, but that doesn't matter. MyAnna Buring has the charisma of the group. Sometimes the stupidity even gets to be funny. It's a lot of goo splattering, and over the top violence. It's better than expected, but still not recommendable.
kneiss1
I have been really looking forward to this movie after seeing the nice trailer back in 2009. But yet again, it turned out to be a big disappointment. While everything in this movie looked really cool, and the girls have been really sexy and beautiful, the script had nothing to offer. Bad story, bad characters, and an awfully silly humor. I think I had to smirk a single time in the movie after hearing the idea of gay were wolfs. Overall, the trailer has been more funny, than the movie itself. And I don't think that this can be said about any other movie. This is one of those movies, where the constant bad and silly jokes, destroy all atmosphere, all story, all tension, all interest in the characters - simply everything.