BasicLogic
In this absurd film, Wilt Chamberlain who played the role of Bombaata was the worst basketball player who signed up for this role. His acting was just horrible to watch, so awkward and deadbeat, so painful to watch. The runner-up was the young female actress who played the princess role, so bad and so painful to watch.This 1984 film is worse than the 1982 Conan The Barbarian. The screenplay was bad enough, all the new characters created were just terrible. There were so many laughable details that only could let pass for its ridiculous fantasy genre. The princess must had a personal hair stylist, a costume designer, a seamstress to tailor her wardrobe and accompanied her in an RV along the journey. Arnold also performed worse than his prequel The Barbarian, lot of awkward and exaggerated facial expressions, looked more like a comedian or a drunk.
ozborovac
For the sake of argument, let's presume that Conan the Destroyer is better than Conan the Barbarian. Now, why would anyone say something as crazy as that, what can compare to the riddle of steel? After all, what kind of a fantasy movie can stand up to Milius' quintessential sword and sorcery epic? A very, very stupid one.After the end of the first movie, Barbarian extraordinaire Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and his new thief friend Malak (Tracey Walter) are hanging around a stone bed inside some random quarry, doing nothing in particular, when suddenly a band of marauders appears and tries to kidnap them. Conan and his friend dispatch them with ease, when the marauder's leader, queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) steps forward and reveals her intentions with the duo. She needs them to escort her niece, princess Jehnna (Olivia d Abo) on a quest for a mystical item that will resurrect her imprisoned god. Spurred on by Jehnna's promise to revive Conan's lover Valeria, he embarks on an adventure filled quest that has him questing alongside Jehnna's sworn protector Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain), the badass Amazonian warrior Zula (Grace Jones) and Conan's chronicler, the wizard Akiro (Mako).Let's be frank, the storytelling in this movie isn't exactly profound as it is more focused on delivering a satisfying fantasy experience. The main goal instead is to instill a sense of adventure by having the characters move through a series of situations straight out of a pen and paper role-playing game. And what a group of characters it is, Wilt Chamberlain's character is an excellent foil for Conan especially considering the fact that he makes Schwazenegger's mountain of muscles seem tiny when compared to this towering Harlem Globetrotter. Conan's friend Malak has the spurious distinction of delivering some of the most cringe inducing lines in any fantasy movie. A couple of the jokes halfway hit the mark, and while the rest of them are generally painful there is humor to be had. While comedies generally have scores of writers forging the perfect jokes , Conan the Destroyer has an obliviousness to how to world works, a kind of savant naivety that makes it feel earnest rather than just plain dumb. Elsewhere, Grace Jones' manic portrayal of Zula is one of the more intense parts of the movie. The idea of having a supermodel act in a trashy fantasy film might seem oddball, but Jones' ferocious energy and striking appearance make her a suitable part of this merry band. Olivia d Abo's Jehhna serves as something of an emotional anchor to this world filled with weirdos, and she remains a sweet if ineffective romantic counterpart. Mako's Akiro is destined to be your stoner friend's favorite character, because Hey! He is the goddamn wizard, dude! He does cool spells and knows stuff about the world! He also saves the day in a deus ex machina kind of way! It's genuinely hard to get a census on what the definitive Schwarzenegger movie is, but you can't say that the Conan movies are one of the Austrian behemoth's finest movies. And I stress movies over acting here as, let's face it, Scharzenegger isn't exactly the greatest actor. Sure, he is an avatar, an idea of a brawny ubermensch that people strive to. But these movies understand what it takes to effectively sell that idea. Stick Arnold in a loincloth, have him speak as little as possible, have him lift one of those styrofoam rocks you see in fantasy movies, get a beautiful woman to swoon over him, have him fight room-sized rubber monstrosities, add in the occasional sword battle and bada-bing! Instant classic. Another noteworthy part of the movie is the exceptional set and environmental design. You simply don't get this kind of attention to detail, even with high tech CGI. The interiors of castles and dungeons are delightfully stylized, ancient tombs are well realized and foreboding and the move lets the viewer sink in all of the impressive minutia. Sure, it's plexiglass and styrofoam, but it does it's best to sell a rich fantasy world. But the unquestionably finest part of Conan the Destroyer is Basil Poledouris' majestic score. Reusing elements from Conan the Barbarian and adding a number of new themes, this soundtrack effectively brings this fantasy to reality. Choppy editing and corny dialogue fail to kill the impact certain scenes have the moment the score kicks in. At times dreamlike, at others thundering, the music provides this film with a drive far beyond the one found in the screenplay or the acting. To go back to the initial idea about Destroyer being better than Barbarian, let's compare it negatively as well. Firstly, Barbarian has a far stronger introduction, one that sets up the movie's basic themes and conflicts extremely efficiently. The iconic beginning might be that movie's finest part, and Destroyer's does measly little in that regard except establish that this ride will be more relaxed. Overall, Barbarian is noticeably more serious, and there are fans that far prefer that kind of tone for a fantasy movie, this one on the other hand is more fanciful and spontaneous in its depiction of Conan's world. Both Barbarian and Destroyer are structured in almost episodic way, and while Barbarian seems to linger on these vignettes a little too long with inconsistent payoff, Destroyer at least delivers a fascinating new locale, or a dynamic action scene or at the very worst, innuendo-laden dialogue. One thing that Destroyer absolutely lacks , is a villain. Barbarian has James Earl Jones' magnificent portrayal of Thulsa Doom, a truly epic villain, brimming with memorable lines. Destroyer's gallery of rogues fails to come anywhere near.To enjoy Conan the Destroyer, you need to see it with a child's eye of wonder. Have a drink, call in your friends, spark a little doobage and let yourself be drawn into this often silly, occasionally inspired and always bat-poop crazy world.
Phil Hubbs
So we've had basic plot idea number one: family killed, take revenge. This sequel goes with basic plot number two: given quest by ruler to find something, but its a trick...yes I just blew a huge spoiler so sue me.Yep, the rather devious and clearly untrustworthy Queen Taramis asks Conan to go off and find a sacred object so she can awaken a God, hmmm I smell something fishy. So Conan agrees because the evil Queen says she will resurrect his lover from the first film Valeria if he succeeds, oh come on Conan don't be dumb! Did I mention this was all a big trick by the naughty Queen?The main draw here is the cast really, Arnie's team are a much more interesting group this time with the insane Grace Jones, annoyingly crap acting of Tracy Walter, Mako back as the obligatory team wizard, d'Abo as the young virginal Princess and ex basketball star Wilt Chamberlain, a very colourful bunch. They are all up against the gorgeous and stunning Sarah Douglas who as usual is doing what she does best, being a sexy evil villainous bitch, oh my!The main problem with this sequel despite its better looks, fancy titles, a bigger Arnie and overall slightly sexier production values, is the fact it was watered down. The film aims for more comedy, slapstick and visual buffoonery over blood n violence, nothing wrong with this I guess but for me its a thumbs down. The first film was more adult and gave the film a grittier nastier feel, this just feels like a kids adventure at times. Even with Basil Poledouris booming musical score (first films sounded like 'Total Recall', this sounds like its been extracted from 'Robocop') it doesn't make much difference.I must admit to enjoying these films much more when I was but a mere sprogling. The fact its Arnie in the main role as Conan saves the film from doom in my opinion as there isn't too much more on offer. There isn't much action of note, not much blood, set pieces are drab and the adventure a bit dull, the only thing to lift you is the nice monster sequence at the end (head looks a bit like the Brundlefly creature from the Cronenberg film). That and Sarah Douglas being all sexy n evil (oh my Queen!), for me these films haven't aged so well and I still prefer 'The Beastmaster'.4/10
