Zantara Xenophobe
WARNING: This review contains some MAJOR SPOILERS, so do not read it if you are going to see the movie and do not want the film's events revealed.Ahoy there, matey! Ye say ye be looking to see this here film, also known as `The Legend of Pirate's Point?' Arrrr! That be a mighty powerful ordeal indeed! This here be a movie for the little ones, and not a very good one at that! Why, there even contains herein some disturbing ideas that not even the most bloodthirsty of scalawags be a teaching the young lads and lasses! Just listen to the plot and see for ye own self! But first, let me get out of me Pirate Mode….ahem.A young boy in a small town is extremely obsessed with pirates. Now, this is no five-year-old kid, mind you, but a kid of about eleven or twelve who ought to be over this sort of thing. We saw how bad this kind of obsession can get in `Kids of the Round Table.' Now, this one is not nearly as violent of a kids' movie as that one was, but there still is something very disturbing about this. The kid's room is filled with pirate junk. Every kid collects stuff, but this is just ridiculous. He wears pirate garb.…he researches pirates….he dreams of pirates….heck, give him a knife and he would probably lop off his right hand just to wear a pirate hook. If you're not convinced enough, consider a scene where the boy explains to his single mom a very gruesome torture method which he says pirate's commonly used; he proceeds to imitate a victim of said torture, releasing an eardrum-shattering screech. Anyway, he gets his two friends involved. One of them is a girl, who gets the best moment when she tells the third friend of real-life female pirates to justify her being a part of their group. The main (obsessed) character then backs up her story. Anyway, he hooks them on this pirate stuff, too, and they wander onto the property of the old descendent of a famous local pirate, who's a recluse. He's got a broken old ship that they decide to play pretend on. Well, at least they aren't using real weapons to pretend. Oh wait, they do! The old man gives them real swords. Disturbing. Immediately after he does so, he let's them be his `crew,' which really excites the kids. He has them fix up his broken-down ship as part of their duties of serving under him. Child labor! Very disturbing. But there's more! In order so that there is conflict, we need a villain. Enter Gary Hudson, as a car dealer who wants to have the old man's land to look for a legendary treasure. Coincidentally, he happens to be dating the main boy's mother, who claims he is the only eligible bachelor in the little town. If your town only has one person to date, it's time to find somewhere else to live! The town's only bachelor also happens to be a crook. He and his buddy steal cars, repaint them, and sell them. In a town where there is only one bachelor, you wonder who this guys sells his cars to and how many cars he could steal before all the town's cars are his? Well, the fiend smashes the town's memorial plaque and plants evidence in the geezer's boat, which is found by the police in the sloppiest of manners. They arrest the old man, allowing the fiend time to find the treasure. The kids plot with the old man to break him out of jail and break into Hudson's safe to plant evidence of his misdeeds. Jail breaking? Aiding and abetting a fugitive? Safe cracking? Are we sure we're rooting for the right people here? Eventually, this all ends up in a mess, and the conclusion is beyond ridiculous and completely unrewarding to our heroic children. To avoid giving away too much, I won't reveal any of it, but it has to be seen to be believed. Ok, back to Pirate Mode…Shhhhhhhiver me timbers! Avoid this movie like it were scurvy! It'll make ye ill for a few fortnights! By the end, ye will either find ye own self walking the plank by ye own accord or begging to be run through with the mizenmast! Ye will likely find me dangling by me neck on the nearest yard-arm, as I watched this film, too! So when ye go to the video rental harbor, take twenty paces toward the children's section. X will mark the spot where me own self buried this movie so it could never be found. Arrrr! Even we cutthroat pirates have a good side to us. Captain Zantara's score: 4 out of 10.
