gregeichelberger
Originally published on Jan. 11, 2006:Tristan + Isolde = Questionable ChemistryThis work, based on the old Celtic Dark Age story, takes place in Briton shortly after the fall of the Roman Empire (about 480 AD), and concerns the two title characters, English warrior Tristan (James Franco, "Spiderman," "The Great Raid") and Irish princess Isolde (Sophia Myles, "Underworld"), who somehow meet, make love and almost bring down two kingdoms. As such, this epic historical tale, directed by Kevin Reynolds ("Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves") comes in above "King Arthur" and "Alexander," but below "Kingdom Of Heaven, and way below "Braveheart." It should have been more interesting and exciting than it turned out.Notably missing, apart from any sort of chemistry between the two leads (yeah, there's some soft core lovemaking, but they don't really mean it), is the Richard Wagner music so often associated with this opera; and while I understand the omission, it still would have been nice as an incidental score.In the absence of such, though, we're left with a lot of violent battles (in the Dark Ages people couldn't just get along it seemed), as the underdog Brits were oppressed by the brutal Irish (now there's a switch on modern sensibilities). Led by King Donnchadh (David Patrick O'Hara, "Braveheart"), the bloody Irish are making all sorts of trouble for the peace-loving English, burning, raping, ravaging, pillaging and attempting to prevent a loose federation of barons from uniting and forming the Great Britain we know of today.Oh, if only they had succeeded ...Opposing this, ala William Wallace, is Tristan, raised by the powerful knight, Lord Marke (Rufus Sewell, "The Legend Of Zorro"), and his country's great champion, but he is killed in a skirmish, put in a funeral boat and set adrift. Of course, since half of the movie is named after him, you know he isn't really dead, just poisoned and paralyzed. He drifts across the Irish Sea and somehow beaches himself right where Isolde is taking a stroll with her cluck-clucking maid.Against her better judgment (and because she's an amateur apothecary), she brings him to her beach house and heals him with herbs and oils. She reads to him and soon a tepid love develops. Of course, they consummate this, but Tristan's boat is discovered by the bad guys and he has to take a powder back to England.Meanwhile, Donnchadh has arranged for a tournament to be held between the British tribes in hopes of dividing them even further. When Tristan overcomes the Irish ruler's handpicked winner, however, the princess becomes betrothed to Marke (unbeknownst to either lead character). Thus, even after his best friend and father-figure is married to Isolde, Tristan and her continue to carry on a torrid affair (that seemingly everyone knows about - except Marke).Donnchadh uses this split to enlist the aid of the other barons to attack Marke's castle, which initiates one final conflict complete with a siege, explosions, a rain of fire and even a beheading (proving that even in a heavy, dark drama there are some light, fun moments).The battle scenes were intriguing enough, and the special effects were okay, but with Tony Scott ("Thelma & Louise," "Gladiator," "Black Hawk Down") as Executive Producer, I expected a little more from this classic story - a coherent and plausible plot would have been nice.
Bezenby
There I go poking my head around b-movies and Italian films to see what Hollywood's offering and run straight into this madness. This film involves love in the dark ages, dodgy acting, dodgy geography and many daft situations. It was good for a right laugh anyway. James Franco, who has about two facial expressions and one obvious American accent, plays Tristan, an orphan taken under the wing of a Cornish king. The Irish have taken over Britain (did this even happen?) and during a battle with some big guy Franco gets poisoned, mistaken for dead, and set adrift on a boat in the Irish 'Ocean' (guh?). In a jaw-dropping contrivance, he ends washed ashore on the Emerald Isle, just feet away from the bride-to-be of the guy who poisoned him! That was lucky! Nearly as lucky as the speedboat he uses to get back to Cornwall (this looks dafter than it sounds). Obviously the bride-to-be is Isodle, and they fall in love, but, through a series of incidents she ends up betrothed to the Cornish King, and end up bumping uglys behind his back, yadda yadda betrayal, retribution etc. What you have here is a classic bad film. The Irish King has a non-Irish Glaswegian accent (I kept expecting him to ask the other cast members for ten pence for a bottle of cider), and just about everything that happens you could have written down on a napkin beforehand. We also get treated to not one but two death speeches, where the character concerned clings to life long enough to spout some crap. "Bury me…in a *choke*…mahogany casket with *choke* a rapier work base but…don't…use…pewter for the handles as *gasp* it will perish in the *choke* soil…also…have people…*ugh*…wear a two tone…*gasp*…ensemble that is…aesthetically designed…to…augment the natural…light of the glade…where I am to rest."
